A Life

Gasping, crying, screaming,

pulsing, blinking, breathing,

weeping ‘cause she’s teething;

sleeping, dreaming, napping,

drooling, burping, babbling,

giggling when he’s clapping;

bouncing, bobbing, crawling,

standing, stepping, falling

playing with her dollies;

dancing, wiggling, rocking,

speaking, learning, talking,

wobbling as he’s walking;

drawing, finger-painting,

block-building, running, playing,

shoe laces aren’t staying;

counting, reading, writing,

swinging, jumping, sliding,

bruising from bike-riding;

changing, developing, growing,

swimming, kicking, throwing,

always moving, going;

studying, testing, striving,

arguing, cursing, fighting,

almost ready for driving;

texting, chatting, gaming,

steering, screeching, racing,

bullying, beating, chasing;

partying, drinking, smoking,

rule-breaking and provoking,

finding herself, feeling broken;

laboring, struggling, training,

meeting, kissing, dating,

job-hunting after graduating;

working, cooking, bill-paying,

shopping, settling, vacationing,

his hair has started graying;

liking, loving, marrying,

packing, moving, travelling,

soon enough, she’ll be carrying;

craving, hurling, growing,

decorating, buying, sewing,

everyone says she’s glowing;

howling, yelling, squealing,

dilating, pushing, bleeding,

holding, mothering, feeding;

cradling, wiping, folding,

disciplining, teaching, scolding,

raising, caring, doting;

reminiscing, remembering, tiring,

babysitting, wrapping-up, retiring,

doing everything he’d been desiring;

relocating, resting, lying,

weakening, crippling, declining,  

wheezing, gasping…

Reading: The "Woe" in Woman

So I finally did it -- I read one of my pieces to an audience! I was nervous, and my voice is shaking, so I apologize for that, but here's The "Woe" in Woman, a piece I read at Celebration of Women in the Arts, an event hosted by Women In Business at Baruch College in celebration of International Women's Day.

If you'd like to read the piece, it's in the previous posting.

Shout-outs to everyone who performed; you all were amazing and inspiring :)

And Happy International Women's Day!

The "Woe" in Woman

When I was a little girl,

my momma told me

I could change the world

if I wanted to;

I could be a doctor

if I wanted to,

a politician

if I wanted to;

I could be anything

I wanted to.

At the same time,

a little girl

sitting in a village in India

was being told by her mother

that she wouldn’t be returning to school that year

because they only had enough money

to educate one kid,

and of course it would be her brother

because after all,

she would only be a housewife.

When I was a little girl,

my momma told me

I could change the world

if I wanted to.

Fast forward to eighteen,

I’m sitting in an economics class;

the teacher says

that women earn 75 cents for every dollar men make.

Did you know that?

And all the girls are infuriated.

But I sit there quiet

‘cause all I can think about

are the girls that are lying in unmarked graves

on the other side of the globe

‘cause their parents wanted a boy

160 million girls are “missing” in the world.

Did you know that?
Does that infuriate you?

You ask me why there aren’t enough women CEOs.
I ask you why an American woman is raped every 90 seconds.

Beaten every 15 seconds.

How’s that for infuriating?

Is there something defective with my X chromosome?

How many girls were sold this year?

How many women are victims of abuse?

How many of those did we forget to count?

Was it because we forgot to care?

Was it because we shut our eyes?
Was it because we drowned in the bliss of ignorance?

My eyes are wide open

and what I see

is not the few women who have succeeded,

but all those that were never given a chance.

This is not a gender issue; this is not a cultural issue; it’s a human issue.

And the question is: what are we going to do about it?

What are you going to do about it?

When I was a little girl,

my momma told me

I could change the world

if I wanted to.

But today, I’ll settle for changing minds

Why is there a "woe" in woman?

Punjab

There are fleeting moments

when I can feel her

calling to me.

I can close my eyes

and smell jasmine,

and the vapors of hot chai

with cloves

and just a splash of milk.

I can hear the man

calling from his fruit cart

in the morning

as I open my eyes

to the boiling sun

pouring light through the silk curtains

warming my caramel skin.

I also remember walking on the dirty streets

coated with garbage like confetti,

dogs with fleas,

and the little girl,

who tugged at my expensive jeans

as I turned around in anger,

startled

to see her holding a baby,

worried more that she had reached

inside my pockets

than about what she had to say;

ik pesa?

But instead, I chose to erase these memories

and cover them up with 

the beautiful things

like the smell of sandalwood paste

and the juicy mangos we’d pick from trees,

like drinking ice cold Coke from those glass bottles

and the way my anklets and bangles jingled as I stepped,

like the bright beautiful fabrics that lined each shop

and the bells chiming in the temple,

I chose to remember the smell of jasmine and hot chai,

and the man calling from his fruit cart as I woke up to the boiling sun.

I would only be there for a few fleeting moments,

so I would soak in all these lovely things

before I would find my way home,

smiling when asked about my vacation.

Home was never where I found her,

and when questioned by friends and strangers

I would always decline any connection;

I was an American.

But lately, I’ve been feeling her calling to me,

a mother to her child,

and I cannot deny her existence

because after all,

she is running through my veins;

she is in my brown skin, and my long braid,

and the words that roll off my tongue;

she has raised my parents, and their parents,

and she is the dust of my ancestors.

Though she is broken,

and those memories I used to erase

will overcome the beautiful things,

I pray we meet again soon.

The Power Play.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s be real. It’s time we lay out all our cards on the table. This post may offend you, or make you angry, and if it does, I apologize because that wasn’t my intention. Also, I’m going to state right off the bat that I am not a psychology major, nor am I an expert on the subject. And I will point out that this is not a general statement; this doesn’t apply to everyone. But I’ve seen and experienced this too much to realize it is a problem. So here it goes…

Let’s press pause on this power play for a second, shall we?

I remember speaking to a guy who told me that my thinking was “too independent.” He said that guys want women that need them; need them to open doors, need to them fix leaky faucets, need them to carry their luggage, need them to teach them how to open an account at the bank. I found this nonsensical. Why should the man have to pay on every date? Why should the woman have to pretend to be oblivious so that her man can “take care of her?”

Let's break it down. 

Historically, sociologically, and psychologically, there has been a trend in our society – women marry up, and men marry down.

Women tend to favor guys that are older, taller, smarter, and earn more money.

Men, on the other hand, do the exact opposite; they prefer women that are younger, shorter, less intelligent, and earn less money.

Sound familiar?

So now here we have a problem: women and men realize this, and rather than break the cycle, they play this power differential to further naturalize this ridiculous social construct. It’s not a secret that this power play is disempowering women. But what appalls me is that women actually go out of their way to fill this “role” that men want them to. This needs to stop!

Women, stop playing dumb. I’ve seen this first-hand and it sickens me. It’s sad that we think that this will make us more attractive. Why should we hide our intelligence? Why should we pretend to be a lesser version of ourselves? Why shouldn’t we strive for higher education and great jobs? Because it will make men think less of us? Is this for real?

Men, control your egos. You know they’re there, and they’re huge; don’t deny it. Why do you have to be the breadwinner in the house? Why can’t you be a stay-at-home dad? Why is that so socially unacceptable? Why do you find successful women to be intimidating? Why does it bother you so much?

I know thinking about this may make you uncomfortable, but it’s time we accept that this happens, and this is a problem.

I know what you’re thinking – but I can’t help who I’m attracted to. But did you ever question why you are attracted to some people above others? Saying you are attracted to well-dressed people, or talented people, is not the same as saying you’re only attracted to someone who earns less than you or is younger than you. These factors are most definitely not related to that person’s personality.

The only way to fix this problem is to force ourselves to alter our way of thinking and question our motives – why we do what we do? Because often, our “natural behavior” is a testament to our (perhaps subconscious) submission to a flawed idea. And last I checked, ideas came from people.

So let’s make a commitment to start challenging social norms and culture in ways where we defy behavior that is flawed. And it starts here with these games we play.

Labels.

I am a young woman. I am a Sikh. I am an Indian. I am an American. I am a student. I am a teacher. I am passionate. I am strong. I am weak. I am independent. I am confident. I am insecure. I am a believer. I am a dreamer. I am many things, but I am not one thing: definable.

It is human nature to organize everything around us into boxes, all tied up with neat, nice bows. After all, we are conditioned to do so.

As infants, our parents teach us to name things. They help us make sense of the chaos around us. “Mama.” “Bottle.” Each object is assigned a term.

As children, we are given pictures of objects to color and underneath each one, we are asked to name it. “Apple.” “Ball.”

In school, we are forced to swallow down books of vocabulary. Define these words. What do they mean?

By the time we reach adulthood, it’s not a surprise that our natural reflexes include assigning labels to everything we see, hear, or feel. See. Define.

After all, we are conditioned to do so.

When we are unable to assign something a label, we become frustrated. Is that person I see a man or a woman?

In the end, our seemingly innate ability, or rather need, to define everything around us incredibly limits our capacity to see the world for what it really is.

In reality, nothing fits into a nice, neat box.  Events, people, everything around us, is complex. And until we train ourselves to open up our minds, we will always be stuck in a place of limited thinking.

Limited thinking breeds negativity and stereotypes; it breeds hate. Tolerance is a product of understanding and we cannot understand what we do not consider. 

Let’s open our minds to the beautiful world with all its complexities.

Don’t label me.

(For the complete album, please visit this link)

Learning Respect

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." – Maryanne Williamson

Since it’s December, I’ve been thinking about doing a reflection piece on a lesson learned this year, but couldn't pick one to focus on. I stumbled upon this quote the other day, and it really got me thinking about a lot of the conversations that I’ve had over the past year.

And so here is my lesson learned and advice to you: love yourself; and above all, respect yourself.

I truly believe that our fear of incompetence has, time and again, prevented us from achieving greatness. But why are we more afraid of our light, our talents, and our significance? We constantly allow people to take advantage of us, and hide behind the shadows of others in the name of humility. Over time, this becomes a habit. We allow our self-image to shrink, and in return, self-respect begins to fade. Then, when people treat us badly, we accept it. We don’t challenge; we don’t refuse to be treated that way; we don’t stand up for ourselves. We just accept. And that acceptance becomes a signal to people that it’s ok to treat you badly, and the cycle continues. Often, inaction is the loudest, clearest action. But it’s time to break that cycle. Do not stand for disrespect.

Stop thinking that you’re not good enough. There is nothing wrong with you. You have incredible potential that you are completely unaware of because you are worried about your imperfections and insecurities. But it’s time to let go of self-pity. You are a person – an amazing person. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that. You will strive for greatness, and if people try to hold you back, you will let them go. You will not settle because you deserve better. You deserve the best.

Now I’m not saying become a self-involved egotistical person. I’m saying give yourself credit. You don’t want to look back on your life years from now and think, I could have done better. Do better now. And the first step is to respect yourself. Love yourself. And trust me, it will change your life in unthinkable ways.