I’m scared I’ve lost my touch.
Lately, my life has been a flip-book,
still frames moving at inexplicable speeds,
with a few accidental delays (thank God for those).
I am a living, breathing body
but my mind is floating somewhere above
unattached but overwhelmed
with to-do lists and deadlines and trying to get enough sleep,
often a sponge soaked in coffee, awake but not focused.
Sometimes I’m really tired of always having something to do.
Crossing items off lists used to be therapeutic,
but lately it seems like it just makes the tasks multiply;
a constant state of pressure.
I haven’t written a word since March and that scares me.
They say when you go to law school,
they will undo everything you ever learned about writing and rebuild it,
block by block,
And that terrified me.
But I was fine until a few months ago
when finals rolled around,
and then work,
and I realized that it wasn’t the writing that changed,
it was that I had no time left to think,
and now I’m sitting here desperately trying to put a pen to paper
and the words are hidden behind thoughts that will not go away,
like what time do I need to set my alarm for?
and how I should really back up everything on my laptop
and how many days I have left to submit note proposals
and do I need to be at court tomorrow?
and I need to answer so many emails
and I need to call the landlord